Kate Walsh

Where had it all gone wrong? She had been so much in control but now found herself spiraling ever downward, confined to a prison of her own making.

Kate Walsh sat reflectively in the back pew of Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church reviewing her life, her family, and its highs and lows, trying to discern a course of action and decide what she should do next.

Her marriage of twenty-five years had produced six children, the oldest twenty-three years, and the youngest ten years. Had she been a good wife, and mother, or could she have done better, the thoughts went around and around in her head?

She did like a clean house, and she expected her children and husband to comply. She did like regimentation, never allowing her children to sleep past 8:00 a.m., ensuring they eat only the healthy nutritious food put before them, no snacking on garbage. She made sure they came home immediately after school to finish their homework, were not allowed social media, and disallowed friends she did not find suitable. She constantly corrected any misbehavior, and all the children spent considerable time in their rooms to reflect on their actions. She constantly scolded her husband for being too lenient with the children, was angry when he had to work overtime at the office, criticized his consumption of alcohol, and scheduled sex every second Friday at 10:00 p.m. In short, she wanted to control every aspect of her family’s lives and had sublimated her own will and desires to that of the family. She was the designated corrections officer in her house and the inmates had to tow the line.

Kate spent every Saturday afternoon at 5:00 p.m. in the confessional extolling her sins to Father Mahoney. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, it’s been one week since my last confession”. Father Mahoney would sigh quietly as Kate listed her litany of sins. “I overslept by ten minutes last Tuesday, I undercooked the roast beef, and instead of putting it back in the oven I covered the blood with gravy, I cursed when the vacuum broke down, I was feeling tired last Wednesday so I put off washing the clothes till the following day” and on and on it went. For her penance, Father Mahoney suggested she needed to get out of the house and go for a long walk. Kate grudgingly accepted the penance.

Now here she was. Her three eldest children had left home as soon as they could financially, and were renting an apartment together. Maggie, the youngest, was failing her grades and didn’t care, Steven at fourteen was constantly at loggerheads, telling her to keep out of his life. Andrew, the love of her life at twelve, was no bother, constantly having his head stuck in a book. Her husband was spending more and more time at the office, and she was worried he was cheating on her.

Am I sacrificing my life for my family, she thought, or am I fulfilling my deepest desire to sculpt my family into the image I have created for them. The perfect family. The family of my dreams. She bowed her head and asked God to give her strength to discern his will.

She recalled a conversation she had with Father Mahoney. He was quoting from St.John of the Cross, “equal love and equal forgetfulness”. Love your children, your family, and your friends when you are with them, but when you are not with them, forget them and concentrate on the now.

Have I created a prison for myself, have I been incarcerated in a place of my own choosing, is there a way to escape, or have I sentenced myself to a life of solitary confinement? Kate sat in the back pew of Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church and pondered the direction her life was taking.